Hello, SportsNation. Glad to be back chatting. Unfortunately, I just realized I forgot to eat lunch again. So if I type something like this at some point adsjfgue pqugosibjfoidia ... it's just that I passed out on my keyboard. Feel free to continue on with your day. Let's begin ...
Over/Under -- Pirates reach 100 losses this year?
Is this a real question? Easiest money ever. Over. They are 56-95. There are 11 games left in the season. That means they would actually have to play three games ABOVE .500 not to lose 100. They have won 3 of their last 26. So, yeah, I'm going to go over. I actually wish we could start the season over to see if the Pirates could lose 140.
Oh, by the way ... the two "prediction" columns I wrote earlier this year. The one about the Pirates being about ready to turn the corner. Tooooootally joking. SATIRE!
And the one predicting that Tom Brady would struggle majorly and never be the same quarterback ... not joking! NOT SATIRE!
Oh, and all those Boston fans who e-mailed me after my Brady column asking me to die of cancer and/or in a fire. I'm sad to report that I still have no tumors (that I know of) and no burns.
Also, your quarterback's not very good.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled chat ...
Can Jake Delhomme get any worse? Will he top 30 INTS this year??
Yes. I have faith in Jake Delhomme that he can get worse. He's Jake Delhomme. And the interception record is a tricky thing. Most horrible quarterbacks can never break it because: a) they aren't allowed to ever get in a game; or b) if they are allowed to play, they are soon benched due to throwing so many picks. But Carolina has no options behind Delhomme. We may see history this year. You will tell your grandkids one day about Jake Delhomme's magical fall of '09.
When this turns out to be a crappy chat, just blame it on the flu
Wouldn't Boston fans ask you to 'die of cansah' and/or 'in a fi-ah'?
Unfortunately their e-mails are phonetic. Must full of misspellings. (checks current post for misspellings ... thinks he's in the clear.)
DJ,I'm a life long Cowboys fan who has grown up hating the Eagles and their sadistic fans. (How could anyone cheer when a guy's laying motionless on the field?) Now, I'm being transferred to my company's suburban Philadelphia plant. Any advice on how to make friends and not get killed? I'm thinking about starting a T.O. hate club...
Hmm ... interesting question. You have to approach this very diplomatically. Talk about your shared hatreds. The Giants, for example. Or the Redskins. (Although that's kind of cruel to pick on them at this point.) Or, finally: Tony Romo. But that opportunity is going to expire soon. Soon Eagles fan will like him more than Cowboys fans, as he continues to deliver losses for the Cowboys.
Have you ever dated a friend's sister?
I have not. I guess it's because most of my friends have brothers or sisters that are a good bit older or younger. I did, however, have a friend with a really hot mom. I didn't date her. But I would have. And, Mark, if you're reading: yeah, I wanted to get with your mom.
Could we please get the media to quit calling Mackenzie Phillip's dad "Papa John"? Everyone is starting to look at me funny. And not buy my pizzas.
Are special ingredient: Creepiness!
Real and small or big and fake, which do you prefer?
I'm going to pretend I don't understand your question and say you're asking about crap country bands like Big And Rich. I like Real And Small. Great to dance to. Or something.
How about dating a HoBo's sister?
N/A. Most hoboes eat their sisters.
Westbrook, Pierre Thomas, Mike Bell, Clinton Portis, Donald Brown. Pick 2 for this weekend.
Westbrook and Bell are hurt, no? I'd go Portis and ... Pierre. Between him and Garcon, you can never have too many Frenchmen on a fantasy football team.
Mr. Gallo, there is a player on Cincinnati named Isaiah Pead. It's sophomoric, it's a cheap joke, but if anybody knows what to do with it's you.
Sorry, I've got noting. I'm going on five years without thinking of a good way to work New England coach Dean Pees into an article.
DJ: What's up with picking two guys for the weekend instead of dating sisters?
DJ, love the website. And the tweets. As an aspiring sports satirist, the ease you display exploiting sports for humor frustrates me. I hate you for it, but dammit I respect you. Come clean though... is all your stuff contrived up, substance free? I hereby accuse you of using performance enhancing (perhaps cannaboid) drugs! Please provide your stool for testing so we can expose you for what you are. Or if you maintain that you are au-natural, then from where does your genius originate? Thanks!
If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me for my stool.
Come on Gallo, you can do much better than making fun of people because of their names.
Well, what about former NASCAR great Dick Trickle?
To go along with John in Miami, how many piercings is too many piercings on a girl?
I'm not a big fan of piercings. However, if a girl you just met recently is showing you all the different places she has piercings. And she's attractive. You're in luck. At least for a little while. But she'll probably eventually try to kill you.
Reds pitching coach Dick Pole
I agree with Rusty.
I assume you've already seen this, but just in case you haven't... there is a Hobo Museum in Iowa. They even have a hobo gift shop on their website. http://www.hobo.com/Museum.htm
What? A gift shop? Can you buy hobo trinkets there? Or is it like a general store FOR hoboes. You know, where they can buy pieces of burlap for their bindles. Or squirrel meat. Either way, I know where I'm going on my next vacation.
What did you think of Raymond's game-clinching tackle last week?
Great play. Although three side notes: 1) Norv Turner is a moron. Why would you run a 2-foot, 19-pound RB on 4th-and-2. 2) If Raymond had not made the play, Ed Reed was waiting right behind him to make the tackle. It wasn't such a genius read that no one else picked it up. 3) Norv Turner is a moron.
By the way, Ravens coach John Harbaugh called Ray-Ray's tackle "the greatest play I've ever seen." I think that might be one of the saddest things I've ever heard.
If she has a pierced tongue, she'll probably ___ your _____.
Oooh! I love Mad Libs. "... she'll probably PUNCH your LIBRARY."(I don't get it.)
Are you really a vegetarian? Hand over your man card.
I will not hand over my man card. (As I don't have a man card because the production of man cards uses up too much paper and harms the environment.)
Hobo Museum = Wrigley Field during a Cubs home game
Would a Hobo Museum even be in a building? You would think it'd just randomly be down some alley or something.
Back-to-back for Nate. Well done, sir.
What do you think of Miami's 2-minute offense at the end of Monday night's game?
Well, Ted Ginn DID have the game in his hands. But he dropped it. I'm starting to think that NFL teams shouldn't draft Ohio State players at skill positions.
Who will win a playoff game first, Tony Romo or Tim Tebow?
Well, if college football HAD a playoff system (shake fist angrily), Tebow would be in the lead. As for as the NFL, with Tebow it raises the question: Can a tight end be credited with winning a playoff game?
Hey at least there are a plethora of good QBs in the next draft so if the Panthers have a bad year they can draft one in the 1st...oh right, don't have one of those. Next couple years are going to suck.
What, you don't have faith in the longterm abilities of Matt ... (pulls out media guide, flips to Panthers roster) ... Moore?
Miami's 2-minute offense seemed a little rushed
No tailgate column this week, Gallo?
It will be up sometime ... shortly. It usually goes up in the evening on Friday. Oh, yeah, by the way: Page 2 now publishes on the weekend. I have a CFB preview column that goes up every Friday night and is on the top of the page all day Saturday. This will be the 4th week of that. Perhaps I, uh ... should have mentioned this earlier.
All right:I would stick my _____ in her ______ and my ______ would give her ______.
I would stick my CELL PHONE in her TOASTER and my CAMEL would give her DIARRHEA.
Does D.J. stand for Dick Jauron? Is your name Dick Jauron Gallo???
Finally, the truth is out. Dick Jauron is my father. But I'm a little bit more light-skinned than dear old Dad. When my shirt's off, you can actually see my skeletal system and all of my internal organs. I'm like those clear pages in anatomy textbooks.
Rumor is Oregon has another uniform in the wings for Saturday (even if its throwbacks). Thoughts?
Oregon's uniforms should only be called throw-ups. (ZING!)
How much longer before we see T.O. doing sit-ups in his driveway again?
Hopefully not for another week or two. By then Buffalo will be covered in three feet of snow and he'll get in a better workout by first shoveling his driveway and then doing sit-ups. This new workout could actually extend his career another few years.
How dare you, Norv Turner is a genius! Reference the following (actual) play calls:1.) Draw play on 3rd and 15 (failed to get 1st down)2.) Two straight passes after 2nd and 3 (failed to get 1st down)3.) Screen pass to 300lb tight end Manumalauna (failed to not make everyone laugh)What other coach could come up with such creative, unpredictable plays?
Good point. They ARE unpredictable. (Unless you've played agaisnt a Norv Turner-coached team before. Then, not so much.)
When does the College Internship of Charlie Weis come to an end?
How dare you!!! Do you not know that Charlie Weis has a STRATEGIC ADVANTAGE over every other coach?!!!!!!!!!!
Your prediction on Eric Mangini's weight by week 17. Is there Charlie Weis potential?
This has been disappointing to see. Mangini really lost a good bit of weight last year. But now it appears he has put it all back on and then some. Apparently the food in Cleveland ... what is it: deep-fried soot maybe? ... isn't doing anything good for him.
All of the teams seem mediocre to me this year. Who are your two favorites to meet in the BCS title game?
Cincinnati and Florida. No, I kid. I kid. Cincinnati has no chance to get to the national title game. Because they were left out of the Top 25 at the beginning of the season. (shakes fist angrily again)
Can we a have a ceremony at Bobby Cox's last game where he can go on a tirade, throw bases, punch an ump, then get thrown out for the last time?
Yes. But you'll have to wake him before the ceremony starts.
Taylor Swift - Would ya????
I'm not answering because I don't know how old she is. I just wanted to mention that before the Kanye West thing, I had never heard of Taylor Swift. I guess that means I'm out of touch. Is she in one of those country bands you guys mentioned, Big And Fake? Or the other one?
What do you think will happen with the Michael Crabtree situation?
I get the sense he wanted to sign a week or two ago. He is just terrified to see how Mike Singletary reacts when he finally shows up. I can't blame him.
DJ. I occasionally travel to Pittsburgh. Can you recommend a place for me to go get something to eat or drink? Here, I'll go with today's Mad Lib theme:When I want to go out in Pittsburgh, I like to grab a _________ at _______.
"... I like to grab a RIOT at THE G-20 SUMMIT."
She's 19, you're good to go.
Oh, well in THAT case ... I still don't know much about her or what she looks like. Can I pull Beyonce up on stage?
Why isn't Cedric Benson falling down after only two yards anymore...Is the Universe feeling un-well?
He still is. He's just falling down FORWARD now after running two yards. For a grand total of 4 yards. Superstar!
What are your plans for the weekend? Will you attend any sporting events?
I will not. I was going to go to the Pirates game tonight. But I figured if I want to sit around all alone, I can stay at home.
In Page 2's link to the chat it stated that you were an "Esteemed writer." Who exactly is esteeming you?
DJ, the other day Brent Musburger was announcing a Pirates game, and he kept talking about how a few of the Pirates might go professional. I wish just for once he could just enjoy the level of play he's watching. I'm sorry, is that a question?
No, it's not. It's a dagger to my heart.
With that logic on RBs, just think how many yards Manute Bol could pick up if he fell forward after running two yards. Hall of Fame!
Good point. You know, Manute could have actually been a great football star. Do you remember how he used to shoot three-pointers. His motion kind of reminded me of Philip Rivers.
Your thought on John Gruden on MNF?
He's doing a good job. I was afraid he was just going to communicated by various pained expressions on his face as he did during his coaching days. I'm not sure that would have translated well over the television.
Why do they call them southpaws? People don't have paws. I'm confused.
Random. But appreciated.
Gallo how did you feel about Ocho's being smart enough to have Bungles fans at the Packers game but for some reason thinks Miami is a great HS football state.
It's a bit confusing, agreed. It's like how he was smart enough to officially change his name so the NFL would have to recognize him by that name, but not smart enough to spell it as "Ocho Cinco" -- two separate words -- on the official form.
Any thoughts on what Pat Summit can say to get a little attention? Kiffin and Pearl have really raised the bar recently.
I think we all know the only thing she can do at this point. Playboy. But I thinks she's too classy to do that.
I would think a true face to face interview between you and Bill Belichick would be great. First, I think that you are so egotistical, you would not back down in your disrespect for him, and second he is so much smarter than you that the outcome would be quite comical in how foolish you would look.
Yes, my ego is way out of control. And how dare I disrespect Bill Belichick via my satirical columns. Have I no shame?
if you could punk any baseball player by changing their walk up song to shania twain's 'man i feel like a woman' who would it be? i vote arod because he'd be so flustered by it.
How would that fluster him? Wouldn't it make him feel comfortable? It might be the only way to get his numbers back up to the boli years.
Well, it appears my time here has ended. Plus, I have to go set up this interview with Bill Belichick. Have a good weekend ...