Hello again, SportsNation. Glad to be back. Who's ready for 60 minutes of serious discussion about the NL Central pennant chase and Pirates' trade deadline ideas??? FUN!
Is there any chance I get tossed in with the pile with Mcgwire's 70th, Bonds 73rd, and Jose Canseco's syringe?
First of all, HOW DARE YOU?!?!?! It's DEREK JETER!!! Second, Jose Canseco's syringe does not belong with McGwire's 70th and Bonds's 73rd. The syringe is not tainted in any way. It's pure cheating.
Listen here... everyone says Jeter will eventually move to OF. But why not move him to 2B? Put Jeter at 2, Nunez at SS, Cano at 3B, and ARod at DH. I have no doubt Cano can play 3.
Are you talking about moving the reigning GOLD GLOVE SS from his position? It's like you think that award means almost nothing. (If you do think that, then congratulations, because you are thinking correctly.)
I had a thought on making the home run derby a bit more interesting. Add Gallagher (the watermelon hitting comedian). Whaddya think?
I like this idea. A) It's guaranteed he'd take the job. B) I'm surprised a HR Derby featuring food has not yet been proposed by David Ortiz and Prince Fielder.
I agree with Scott (SD), having pros hitting Gallagher with baseball bats WOULD make the home run derby a LOT more interesting.
Now now. He was one of our nation's premier prop comics of the early '80s. Show more respect.
Jeter's shoes have a picture of the contract he signed with his father before I school. What would yours have? mine would probably be a picture of a remote control and a slice of pizza.
Commemorating something with a shoe insert seems odd to me. "You know how we should honor this? Have it absorb my foot sweat. Unless you were thinking of doing commemorative underwear. I'm good with either."
Can we stop praising the guy who gave Jeter the ball back in return for nothing? We should be giving him an IQ test. That guy might as well have thrown a winning lottery ticket away
It's very possible that Jeter used mind control to make the guy return the ball. He's just that amazing.
That picture of you looks like a mugshot. Would it kill you to smile?
I'm just trying to get ready for the loss of NFL games when, as Ray Lewis informed us, "evil, which we call crime," will increase.
So when I get arrested, I can just hand over a wallet size copy of my byline photo. "Here you go, officer. Save yourself some time."
How many vegan hot dogs could Prince Fielder eat?
I've said this before, but I think it's worth mentioning again: I don't think Prince Fielder is the regular kind of vegetarian. I think he eats humans who ARE vegetarians. He has the definition wrong. "Mmmmm deep-fried vegetarian. I like how the granola gets all crispy on the outside of their skin."
Jeter chat is boring. That said, I can picture him playing SS for the Pirates a few years from now.
Pirates! Everybody drink! (My goal is to have you all drunk by about 12:36 pm and then we can wrap this chat up early.)
But I like your Jeter idea. This is what makes sports radio before the MLB trade deadline so magical. "Hey, so I was thinking we should trade for Jeter and A-Rod. Jeter is old and A-Rod is hurt so the Yankees might want to deal them. We make them pick up the bulk of their contracts and send them Joe Beimel and a minor league outfielder in return. What do you think? I think we should do this deal."
This many Jeter questions and there has been no mention of Minka Kelly yet?
And here's a second Minka Kelly mention. Back-to-back! What a chat!
By the way, is Jeter aware she made nasties with Tim Riggins? This information could really ruin his All-Star break.
I'm a Pirates fan, but I don't know if I can live in a world where Charlie Morton, Jeff Karstens, Paul Maholm, Chase d'Arnaud, Alex Presley and Brandon Wood might be key factors in a pennant race.
(Drink!) How are you about living in a world in which Jeff Karstens gets some Cy Young votes?
Were you sad that Jagr did not choose the Penguins or do you prefer to remember him in his 90's mullet glory anyway?
As a child sports satirist, I had a poster of a mulleted Jagr, in full uniform, standing on an oversized chess board with the line "CZECH MATE" on it. Now THAT is the era of the Greatest Generation.
If the "steroid guys" ever get their own wing in the HoF, is it wrong to hope they don't choose your team to go in for? As a Yankee fan I would hope Clemens chooses Boston.
Maybe he could wear his black-and-white striped Leavenworth hat.
My agent told me there was a drinking game going on in here. Pirates!!
DJ, the Sox/Orioles dustups over the weekend, who's to blame, Ortiz or were the Orioles attempting to live up to Buck's Men's Health interview?
The Orioles are probably the saddest team in baseball. Not the worst, but the saddest. Under no circumstances can they ever compete in their division. And fighting the Red Sox just looks like the kid who retaliates against the bully, but is then unfortunately pantsed in front of everyone at recess.
There's an exhibit in NYC going on featuring awful/wonderful sports posters of the late 80s early 90s. Your Jagr paster may be on display
Finally, real art comes to New York City.
I was gonna say Jimmer, but what the hey---Pirates.
A "Jimmer" drinking games would be the worst drinking game ever. "Whoa, brahs, I am, like, soooo hydrated with spring water right now."
That's even worse. It brings back memories of Doug Drabek winning the Cy Young. And I've been trying to forget about his ugly mug for over 18 years now.
Ugly mug? The man had a thick, brown mustache and a mullet with blonde, curly highlights in the back. He deserves something much stronger than "ugly." Show some respect!
I'm having a yard sale nest weekend you gonna stop buy?
I don't see the big issue with the Dodgers. McCourt should just say he's doing things the "Dodger Way." Their fans show up to games fashionably late; he can say he is paying his debts and employees fashionably late. Easy fix.
I thought the "Jimmer" drinking game is whenever someone says Jimmer, you watch your friends get drunk while you quietly revel in your chaste superiority. The winner of the Jimmer drinking game is, of course, all of your friends
That's close to the real game. It actually goes like this: 1) you abstain while all of your friends get drunk; 2) then you go to a gym/court for a pickup game; 3) you take all of the shots because your four teammates are too drunk to even catch the ball.
Is there anything in sports that would be more shocking than a leaked Jeter sex tape - not with Minka?
An A-Rod tape with his mirror. Whoops. You said "more" shocking. My mistake.
Rank these DJ's in order of your favorite: Augustin, Tanner, Jazzy Jeff
No love for Pauly D?
By the way, I hope you all purchase the DJ3K gear at your local sports store. It commemorates my 3,000th Pirates-related chat answer.
Now that Jeter hit 3000, will he eye 4250 of Rose?
I don't know. If you want odds on this, I'd advise asking the current record holder.
If Jeter does near Rose, though, I hope he shows respect by growing a Pete Rose hairdo.
Was Pacman really wearing a neck brace while resisting arrest in Cincy?
I'm looking forward to his future endorsement deal with an ambulance-chasing law firm. "Have you been injured on the job? And/or whilst making it rain? Call Pacman, Pacman and Jones and we'll get to work for you!"
Wouldn't the Pirates drinking game be you get a bunch of cheap booze and when you find a good one someone else takes it away from you?
You Ice their GM by giving him the contract offer you just got from the Yankees or Red Sox.
Your boos is my booze. I can't get enough.
I imagine the first NBA negotiating session will be like the final scene in "There Will Be Blood" (but without the murder). Stern: "I drink your milkshake. I drink it up!"
1 in 10 Americans will be named to the MLB All Star rosters
Every time an All-Star gets hurt, a Pirate gets an invitation.
My name is Ming. Yao is my last name. I'm Chinese. Quit calling me Yao. It's very informal.
Huh. So the Ming Dynasty was kind of an informal name. Like "Greg's Dynasty." Seems a bit too informal.
No Women's World Cup coverage? Come on DJ, show some love!
I didn't see the game. Sorry. /Shows self out.
You know how no one is allowed to have a tiny moustace any more because you'd look like Hitler? We shoulda shaved Bin Laden's beard into a soul patch after shooting him and then told everyone, "Hey, you can't wear soul patches anymore, you look like Osama Bin Laden."
A) This counts as a sports question because it is tangentially about Michael Jordan; B) It seems no one mentioned this rule to Michael Jordan.
It looks like there is going to be a hard cap in the NBA in the next few years. If that is the case the Lakers seem screwed long-term unless they can move a few contracts. It seems like either Gasol or Bynum would have to go, I say dump Gasol while his value is fairly high, do you agree?
every member of the NKOBSB tour just took a collective deep breath
Unfortunately, that deep breath was so they could start singing again. So that backfired on us.
Is a hard cap better or worse than a hard hat?
It's far more stylish. Tom Brady doesn't enter a construction zone without wearing the latest hard caps to come off the runway.
If the NBA and NFL lockout go on, would you consider going being a sports satirist in Turkey?
Definitely. I've been working on my Turkish sports jokes just in case. They're similar to American sports jokes in that many of them are about Allen Iverson.
theyre the same thing. its only a hard cap when you want to seem old-timey or nostalgic
What happens first: Pirates win a world series, or Bills win a super bowl?
Pirates. I'm sorry, but it's just as likely the Bills win a World Series as they win a Super Bowl.
DJ, what would your ridiculous early-90s sports poster look like?
It would be me playing Nerf basketball in front of my Jagr CZECH MATE poster in my bedroom. So no less embarrassing than any other 1990s sports poster.
If ESPN said they would allow cursing in their columns going forwad, what would be your word of choice?
"Drat." I'm no idiot. I see the future and it's Jimmer- and Tebow-friendly sports writing.
You didn't watch the game? What is it like to hate America?
Had they informed me it was going to be super-exciting and historic, I definitely would have carved time out of my schedule. Let that be a lesson to the FIFA marketing folks.
Pete Rose hairdo = hard cap
If I shoot a video of myself making layups in a 3rd world country will I get drafted in the NBA?
This is a genius idea. The only downside is that you go through the rest of your life being listed in those pre-draft "Historic Draft Bust" columns. But, whatever. You'll be the richest man in your village.
Is a soft cap then just a napkin on your head?
I see a soft cap as more of a Don Sutton hairdo. It's looks like a nest a newborn dove would nestle in.
Who is more likely to get caught up in a point-shaving scandal: Tebow or Jimmer?
Tebow. I don't even think The Jimmer shaves. Plus, as many a young Indonesian boy knows, Tebow knows his way around a straight blade.
I still say someone needs to give our national soccer teams the memo that there are like 90 other minutes to score goals. You don't need to wait until the last one.
Introducing the new head coach of the U.S. men's national team, Joe (Tulsa)!
Mr. Manners, when is it appropriate to wear a cape?
Only when fighting crime. Except there's no way to know when a crime will occur. So there answer is: always. You should always wear a cape. If I see someone not in a cape, I call the cops because they are obviously pro-crime.
Watch hobo with a shotgun yet?
Unfortunately, no. Netflix refuses to deliver to moving freight trains.
... ... ... ...
a cape can only be worn when accompanied by the ability to fly
With credit card rewards points, we can all fly.
Old-school rec specs are surprisingly hard to get a hold of
Have a hankering to be mocked, Dave?
Frank Costanza's lawyer wears a cape.
What do penguins wear to a formal dinner?
Whoa. You were supposed to take a drink with every Pirates mention, not ... you know. Unless you have a prescription for it, which I don't think is legal in DC.
Odds that all Pirates players break down and are emotionally scarred for life when they realize that people are talking about them after the all-star break?
They may just get paranoid for a while. "Hey, stop putting our highlights on SportsCenter, STALKERS!"
I haven't been mentioned in way too long. What gives?
Sorry, Derek. Hey, have you heard the Tim Riggins rumors?
Any Big Ten scandals coming out this week?
I don't think we can hope to top Nebraska's "suggested textbooks" scandal. I'm pretty sure that was some sort of Big Ten initiation thing.
Okay, dear ones. I don't think I overdid it too much on the Pirates references. You should have a nice buzz to carry your through the rest of the work day. Until our next major baseball milestone, when Jeff Karstens gets his 300th win ...