Hello again, SportsNation. Good to be back. There's lots going on in sports. Baseball pennant chases, golf stories, NFL training camp, college football practices starting ...
... but instead you'll probably just make fun of me for being a Pirates fan and ask questions about hobos.
By the way, considering how the Pirates are playing and also that they are now traveling across the country, you could very easily make the case that they are hobos.
A pirate's head scarf can be removed an easily used as a bindle sack.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!! No we're not saying that cause we're pirates, we're saying that cause we suck.
Suck it, Pirates fans.
We all knew the Pirates collapse was coming right? We just didn't expect it to be this big. The losing streak paired with going to SF and then Mil, I don't know when we'll win this week either ...
I didn't expect them to stay in the playoff race, but I didn't expect anything like this. Which is insane considering I've followed the Pirates more than anyone I know for the last 18+ years. I also get shocked when the sun comes up every morning. WHAT! Again today?! This is AWESOME!
Would a team of hobos beat the Pirates in a game of baseball right now?
Their last series of August is against the Astros. So your question will be answered then.
DJ, what happened to the Pirates? Did the management trade the players for a box of Twinkies?
Unfortunately, no. It's far more depressing than that. Instead, they acquired two players at the deadline. And here's the depressing part: they have not won a game since the deadline. I'm starting to think this whole season was a big prank by the rest of MLB. Like how you hear some high school will vote a nerd into prom court just to make fun of him. "You're good now, Pirates! Everyone likes you. Ha! No, you still suck."
It has been a rough year for sports in Minnesota, but I just learned that the Minnesota Lynx have the best record in the WNBA. Am I allowed to be happy about this?
Okay, I was duped by the Pirates, but I will not be convinced that there is a sports team called the Minnesota Lynx. Sorry. But good try.
So Ohio St. is banning "JT" wristbands, huh? What's wrong with Justin Timberlake? Is the Admin Backstreet Boys fans?
I was disappointed they weren't WWJTD wristbands. They should be handed out to all coaches. "Let's see, I have a report that my players are getting paid. What should I do?" [looks at bracelet] "Ahhhhh, right. Nothing. Nothing at all. Thanks, WWJTD wristband!"
There's still the waiver deadline, Pirates can still sell, sell, sell!
Do you want Ryan Ludwick back in San Diego? Yes, I thought not.
DJ, your best Page 2 ever was the fantasy football team names. Congrats!
Thank you. I will forward your post on to the e-mailers who said it was my worst ever. Based on my e-mail, most of my columns are both my best and worst ever. Sometime I might try to write one that comes in as average to solid.
I'm proud of the pirates for at least trying to make a play at the deadline. trading for Derrick Lee and that time machine to bring him back to 2005 was probably the best deal you could get without gutting your minor league system
He was a definite upgrade over Lyle Overbay. But re-signing Orlando Merced would have been, too.
I recently ran into former major leaguer Neal Cotts at Toys/Babies R Us over the weekend here in Chicago. He didn't look too happy.
I'm sure he looked unhappy because it's hard for Neal Cotts to go out in public, what with people recognizing him all the time due to his fame.
True story: my aunt lives in Pittsburgh and was sitting along one of the baselines at a pirates game and had her nose broken by an orlando merced foul ball. he visited her at the hospital when she went to get her nose set.
Similar to Babe Ruth, he then promised her he would hit a sacrifice fly for her in one of the next 12 games.
STEVE WILLIAMS (CADDIE)IS FULL OF IT WHEN HE SAYS IT WAS HIS BEST WEEK EVER. NOT ONE OF THOSE 13 MAJORS. REALLY REALLY
Maybe he suffers from memory loss. One of his missed high-fives with Tiger may have resulted in blow to the head.
Ever since the Pirates started losing again, the Dow has plummeted and our credit rating was downgraded. WHY DO THE PIRATES HATE AMERICA?!
Whoa whoa whoa. The Pirates didn't do this to America. Umpire Jerry Meals did this to America. It has all happened since he blew that call in the 19th inning. Check your facts. The evidence can't be disputed.
If Pat (Hartford) said that his aunt's nose was broken by an Orlando Merced home run ball, I would have called BS
I once broke my nose during an Orlando Merced at-bat. I fell asleep, my head bobbed and I hit it off a railing in front of my seat.
How did Frosty the Snowman move without muscular and skeletal systems?
Come on. Have to do your research before you post questions. The lyrics have the answer: "There must have been some magic in that / Old silk hat they found." Magic. IT WAS MAGIC!
Greg (FL) it was a combination of his jolly, happy soul and all the mushrooms those kids are before they built him
Magic or 'shrooms, yes.
If MTV offered you a casting position in the next season of the Real World, would you do it?
No. I'm holding out for the return of Rock 'n' Jock. I have been practicing my 50-point shot for 15 years now. I don't want half of my life to have been a waste.
A-Rod, we don't care that you played poker, we just don't like you.
This strikes me as perfect analysis.
I can't stand that DJ guy. All he does is talk about Pirates and brings in all these smelly hobos.
Good they banned HGH. I don't like it when athlete recover from injuries. I think it's funny when they limp around and stuff.
Agreed. That is so annoying. Remember Kirk Gibson's home run in the World Series? Hi-larious.
When we were pooling money for lottery tickets the other day in my office, I was asked if I'd eat my dog for $130M. I quickly said yes. That's the correct answer, right?
$130 million to eat your dog? That is the easiest answer ever. Your office mates don't know how to play Would You Rather. "Okay, would you rather I kick you in the face or buy you lunch?"
How long into the future until a woman plays a regular season game in one of the 4 major sports? And which sport will it be?
It would have happened already if an NFL team had been smart enough to draft kicker Kathy Ireland out of Texas State. But since she has moved on, I'll say NHL goalie. Plus, a goalie mask with lipstick and rouge would be awesome.
They are now. WNBA
Mannon Rheamue played goalie for the Tampa Bay Lightning. Or are you classifying the 4 major sports as MLB, NBA, NFL and UFC
She didn't play in the regular season, though. Come on, Pat! Know your lady-hockey history!!! It's National Lady Hockey History Month, after all.
Does ESPN drug-test their employees?
Hey, I'm the one that said it was the magic hat that made Frosty move. The other guy brought up the 'shrooms. (Slowly backs out of the room.)
do you watch the j shore
I watched a few episodes from the first season. But then the plot got too confusing.
Michelle will be playing SS for the Yankees in two years.
She's really blown it. This last year was here chance to prove she was the next Tiger Woods. "BOOM! That's a 75! Take that, HATERZ!"
If your best young players always end up traded or signed by other teams as free agency, is it really YOUR farm system?
Houston Astros general manager Ed Wade, everyone! Ed, please feel free to post under your own name here. This is a friendly forum.
Do you love hobos or hate them?
It's really the question of life itself. All we can do is travel through the years and seek the answer.
Does Stevie Williams realize I could replace him for a fraction of his salary?
Yes, but you're forgetting one thing, golf cart. Steve Williams doesn't beep when he backs up. It's the one thing he has going for him.
How much money would it take for you to grow a Kyle Orton neckbeard?
I'm being told $130 million is a good starting price. Make it $300 million and I'll also eat my dog.
Would you rather have sex with Snooki or sniff Prince Fielder's jock strap.
There goes my plans for a post-chat lunch.
who do you think will be the best team in the pac 12 this year and why do you think this?
The story in the Pac-12 is the same as it is in every top conference: the conference champion will be the team that can cheat the best for the longest without getting caught. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!
Is it too early to start drinking?
As the saying goes: it's 9 a.m. somewhere, right?
If MLB brings back contraction, what team is first on the chopping block?
I think we can just cut Florida off. (And this goes for everything: baseball, football, statehood. Everything. Just dig a big trench along the border and push it off into the Atlantic.)
I don't get the NFLs need for a salary cap,we pay players whatever we want and still make maoney.
Don't forget you also give your student-athletes and educa- ... oh, man. I almost got that out with a straight face.
(Yes. I stop typing when I smile. It's WEIRD.)
After watching Shark week i now think it sucks to be a seal.
Heidi Klum is moderately attractive, however.
In Blackjack, you're supposed to split Kings?
Stop pretending to play the high-roller games, A-Rod. We all know your true love has always been Uno.
what's your favorite sports book?
I don't read sports books. But I imagine the Cincinnati Bengals playbook is a hilarious read.
Does Captain America avenge hobos or is it just tax-paying citizens?
I think he just attacks the headquarter of Standard and Poor's.
You do realize that baseball isn't fair and only 5 or 6 teams can win every year because they buy championships, right? Pittsburgh isn't one of them.
Yes. Yes, I do.
I live in Canada, so I don't really know what you're about. What's your deal?
I'll get you up to speed on me later. First answer me this: what's a "Canada"?
A-Rod's favorite card game is Old Maid... why do you think he went after Madonna
Everybody goes crazy for Shark Week. Can't we just have a Shark Channel?
You know, I can't believe there isn't one. How is there a Tennis Channel but no Shark Channel. You could have a show about people who hoard sharks. A show about shark-shaped cakes. A shark news show in which the hosts yell at each other over the biggest shark topics of the day. It's ratings gold.
I heard that Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, and Bill Cowher are in the new Batman movie filmed in Pittsburgh. They play (Cowher coaches) for the Gotham Rogues. Go Pittsburght!!!
Ike Taylor should be in the movie. He would knock bullets to the ground. (He would try to catch them, but they would brick off of his hands."
The tennis channel is great. Today they have early round action of the Canadian Open.
Again. What is this place you all keep referring to?
Boogity boogity, AMEN!
I went to my first NASCAR race this year and I didn't get one comedic prayer. What a rip-off. As a practicing LOLtheran, it really bothered me.
Canada is all syrup, flannel and antlers...
Canada is Vermont?
Who do you think will be in the 2011 World Series?
I think the rich team will beat out the almost-as-rich team in 6 games. GOOOOOOOOOOOOO, BASEBALL!
Who do you worship in the Church of LOLtheran? A cute kitten with a goofy caption? Finger-biting Charlie?
Our organist is Keyboard Cat.
Is it peanut butter jelly time yet?
We have PB&J at mass.
DJ, is the reason you like the pirates so much that they resembled early, aquatic hobos. unwanted in mainstream society, rarely bathed, never held real jobs....
Laugh it up. If the U.S. gets downgraded by another agency, soon we'll all be jobless and dirty hobopirates. Like I imagine how the people are in this "Canada" you all are describing.
For those who wish to know more about our Church, please pick up a copy of The Good Failbook at your local base (it belong to us).
Aren't tortoises the real aquatic hobos? Living forever, just swimming aimlessly, carrying their whole world on their backs?
I've always seen angler fish as the hobos of the deep. They carry their light on a sort of bindle.
We may be rubes but we know better that to loan the US money.
Uncle Sam is now like that drunk, broke uncle that no one wants to invite to holidays.
Hobo stew: DJ's dog, tortoise, salt pepper and whatever else you read here.
Hobo stew recipes are the easiest. 1) grab anything you can reach; 2) boil it in a pot; 3) serve.
So how long before Derrek Lee is begging to be sent back to Baltimore?
Whoa. Now the Pirates bashing has gone too far. No one would ever want to go back to the Orioles. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Cal Ripken asked to be retroactively traded. "You you guys just assign all of my stats to the Padres or something? It's too humiliating to be associated with this organization."
I thought it was you that noone wanted to invite for the holidays?
No, Bob, it's YOU! (Boom. I ma the King of the Comebacks. Ooh! I thought of another good one: YOUR MOM!)
What are the major holidays for LOLtheranism?
HaLOLween is pretty big. Also the 4th of LOLy. And then Christmas, of course. Because presents are awesome.
Judging by your photo in the upper right corner of the page, compared to some of the other ESPN personalities that do these chats, you look like Brad Pitt.
Thanks. But I think you mean I look like A's general manager Billy Beane.
April Fools Day has to be one of the high holy days right?
The holiest of days. We all go to church that day. There's a lot of standing and kneeling and sitting. All on whoopie cushions, of course.
He looks like a broke a$$ Jared Leto.
...if Brad Pitt was a serial killer...
There's my new pickup line. "You know, I've been told I look like Brad Pitt, if he was a serial killer."
Canada is the country above you that hasn't fallen apart like yours!
That was rude. You're clearly not Canadian.
Why are they making a movie about Moneyball? Oakland has never won anything - what are we celebrating here?
I have no idea. I'm assuming every GM is getting a movie now. I can't wait for The Neal Huntington Story. BOX OFFICE GOLD!
whoa you're going past an hour?
What the?! I lost track of the time. I need to get out of here. I'm going to be late for afternoon mass at the LOLtheran church. Bishop Gallagher will not be happy. Today he might smash my head with a mallet.
Fox Pictures presents: "The Brian Cashman story: I have two chocolate doughnuts for eyes"
Alright. My time is up. Thanks for checking in, hobos.